Truth and Understanding

My time in San Francisco had a pervausive theme: sexuality, control mechanisms and boundaries. As I penetrate the light, I am faced with the things that I allow to distract me and my relationships and boundaries surrounding love and friendship is definitely one of them. More and more I am learning to be absolutely honest, blunt with less regard for the feelings of others and more esteem for the truth of the situation at hand. I am coming to learn that it is a gift that I can give to those around me; a way to avoid wasting time and to show that I trust in their ability to handle the truth.

It turns out that my trip to San Francisco was vitally necessary for some of my dearest friends who live there and for my own soul. Rocklette was in a depression and difficulty that seemed to be acting as a loop within an enlightened life that does not warrant that sort of hardship. Cherry, one of my oldest and dearest, was facing a huge life change as life moved her to be brutally honest with self and others--including me (haven't we all been through that? If not, look forward to it). I shutter to think what would have happened had I not been there to support, listen to and reflect her.

Rocklette is a generous and often angelic being who lives a life almost wholly composed by beauty and creation. He spends much of his time and energy helping others and contributing to their passions while pursuing his own which surround the documentation of life as it, in turn, dances for him. The trouble with being a powerful entity of manifestation such as himself, is that when he emits worry or pessimism, it often comes true. I was able to notice a mantra he was repeating that was probably contributing to the freekish difficulty that was occuring.

When we use the word "I", it is like putting a definition of self out to the universe. The universe then seems to put whatever that definition is into being--and why not? What else does it have to base one's life on but their own definition of self? When one refers to a lack of time, a busy state, an influx of bills or things to do--the only thing that will come out of that is more of the same. We often don't notice when we've adopted such a mantra-as there is a fine line between this and a statement of place for others who might be able to offer some assistance or understanding. It is nice to be that friend who can identify and feedback--so that person might have a chance at developing a new mantra of hope and happiness that they can put into effect. Whatever energy goes toward darkness can also be directed toward the light.


Cherry ran into a situation where it became necessary for her to be absolutely honest with first herself about her desires for her life and for the nature of her relationship with her lover. She then found it necessary to be honest with me about an aggressive tendency that I've used since our childhood together--mainly a desire to talk her into things...anything....And finally honesty with her boyfriend about a need to let go of patterns that were no longer serving them. I got to be the special girlfriend who was there through the whole thing to offer an outsider-who-knows-her-well perspective. Friendship and bearing witness is truly magical and vitally important.

This is a movie about giving, starring Cherry Seville....Enjoy (and turn your monitor sideways)!

(From now on I vow to make short films with my camera only in the upright position.)

For myself, there was a meta-level to my vicarious experience through Cherry. I love my naivety and intend to preserve it. This offers some challenge among those who wish to harden in a world that-as far as I'm concerned-is my responsibility exclusively. As an affectionate and understanding being, it is difficult for me to delineate boundaries within those gray areas where comfort zones are sometimes stretched and deteriorated through mental challenge and bonding turns into passive-aggressiveness and subversive violence. To effectively manuver through this, I must bypass reasoning totally and rely on intuition--thus acting on initial feelings of discomfort and trusting my own instincts exclusively. I come to this conclusion in so many situations.

Within a meeting of minds, which pat on the shoulder is a show of genuine appreication and desire to connect energies and which one is an effort to explore and stretch my boundaries? My energetic movements are obvious--why do some choose to ignore them when I seem uncomfortable in favor of some animalistic desire to touch me? The comfort and ease with which I converse is what attracted in the first place--why would that person then seek to break through that into a space where neither one of us are enjoying ourselves?

I am not alone, many women my age, younger and unfortunately older ask themselves these questions all too often (it was a subject of conversation often throughout these days). We are forced into a choice between brutal and blunt honesty or discomfort with those whom we start out wanting to converse with by men--older men and men in our age group--at least a few times a week. This makes it difficult for me to go out and be myself without feeling vulnerable and mistrusting of my desire to get to know my fellow human being. It also makes me suspicious of people who perhaps don't deserve it.

For example, I met a British Mathematician in a bar. He was an older gentleman and it was his first two days in the US for the first time. He had always assumed that he would hate Americans, only to find that he really liked us. Who wouldn't want to have a conversation with this guy? I was certainly interested and we had a good talk for a while until I felt the desire to go back and enjoy the people whom I had come with. Towards the end of the conversation, he must have touched my shoulder or something-which I thought nothing of, but then he came over to us later and wanted to hug me and touch my hand and my shoulder-with me growing obviously uncomfortable. I was there with male friends who had known me for a long time and even talked to a few people whom I found attractive, and no one else wanted to touch me with such urgency.

Was it the magnitude of his conversation with this eccentric American woman? Was this a new experience for him? Was it this barbaric sexual desire that seems to enter so many situations unwelcomed? How was I to tell? I've been in both situations and wanted to believe that he enjoyed the meeting of minds as much as I did--but it seemed as though he was trying to get as much physical contact and attention as he could before we parted ways, though it was unwarranted by convention (vast discrepancy in age) and my lack of reciprocation. I ended up feeling a need to virtually ignore him and our connection died. I could have told him to stop-but why should I have to when I'm screaming at him to do so with my actions? I wouldn't ignore such unsubtle hints--why must I be forced to bluntness that embarrases in these situations?

I refuse to walk through the world being afraid and suspicious of people because of their age or gender. In fact, confronting this head on prior to my trip to Houston prepared me to recieve the unconditional love of my grandpa, father, and uncles--and to then see the some of the differences between that and the latter. I am still convinced that I can make affection unconditional and innocent by believing that it is--or at least that it can be....


I write this with a fantasy that the men who get out of line and make off with my blogspot address will learn something from their lack of respect for the boundaries of women whom they meet like myself. It really is exhiliarating and mutually satisfying to have true friendships with people whom we could be attracted to, but choose not to be. The nature of love is often confused with other things in this culture with the influence of mass-media, advertising and the lonliness of those who don't know how to recieve positive attention. An act of true understanding and sensitivity towards each other that is free of alterior motives or desired ends can do much to lighten and contribute towards real lovely love.