Caged Bird

There are too many intriguing places to go right now. My top desire is for Vipassana.....Beyond that lies Maui, Vegas, Thailand. I'm like a deer caught in giant headlights. Aren't headlights soon followed by an imminent course of future events? These headlights are more like two suns--or six glorious suns all begging me to bask in them. When ever I'm in a seemingly confusing position like this place here now, I tend to convince myself that I'm being faced with some sort of a choice. In retrospect I always wonder why I wondered so....things always turn out as they do.

I could chase the money-painting-outdoor yoga/need for angels in Vegas. Both of my parents seem to support this option with most excitement. It's funny when they agree....(That should tell me something right there). There is something to working for a few months and walking away with lots of extra money. Suppose I did that and then died in a month and a half...would I still be happy with my decision? There is a sort of anarchism involved with making decisions that are not based on money.

There are a constant stream of shows, new art and music flowing through the city--not to mention the pouring in of new people from all over who come to enjoy them...or to sit in casinos at four in the morning wondering what to do with themselves and afraid to sleep under the duress of a pressure to have fun at every moment since one can in Vegas. There is an opportunity to not only flourish financially, but to flourish on my passion for painting and writhing around en masse in a fashion deemed beyond/above sexuality in most cases. There are beautiful surroundings and yoga hike companies already established that I could join in on. There are ample sinners and artists to take part in my escapades/involve me (there are everywhere, I suspect). Imagine digging one's way into the stinky center of the Vegas onion!

I could stay here in Phoenix on the suspicion that I came here for more than just this... Is it better to stay in a place for a while or keep moving? Whatever choice I make will answer this question...though I will never know the answer since there is only what I know from experience...

My loved ones here want me to stay. I have made deep lasting friendships with people whom would act as good collaborators next week to next year in a wacky city that seems interested in providing any silly idea with as much enthusiasm as it can handle. I'm curious about a summer in Arizona--I've heard it's quite detoxifying--which of course breeds dreams of group fasts and hot yoga in broad daylight.I got some real big girl jobs teaching yoga and could have more if I wanted. I doubt I will ever enjoy a job as much as I enjoy teaching yoga-helping people delve into themselves is such a rush!

I have a habit of squirreling my way into a club/life/circle based on my conception of the way that things will be and then fighting off a waning interest when reality sets in. I write this under the conviction that reality is relative and doesn't necessarily have to "set in". I will often hesitate to pursue any options that involve a commitment out of fear of sacrificing freedom. Here now at this crossroads, I hesitate to stay as I wait to go for I don't know which one....I know that all I have to do is set something in motion....I desire constant magic and synchronicity--is that unreasonable?

If I had my wish it would be for paradise....so why not? And so I ask myself about the most outlandish option...Australia?? Maui...I am drawn between a desire to seek out the outcome of given opportunities and the knowledge that something will happen wherever I go......I rest under and fight against the notion that paradise lives only inside of me. So then why stay or go anywhere?